The Hidden Rose Read online

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  For the last couple years I refused to go to church with the family. It seemed the only time I had I could be myself, and being myself was the only thing keeping me sane.

  I never played baseball again after that game my broken bat almost hit Mike. I did help Mike and a couple others work on their game to become the best they could at something they loved, for me they all knew baseball, though something I was very good at, wasn't something I enjoyed.

  “Sam it would be nice if you would join us in church this week since it will be Kathy's last time as an unmarried woman,” Mom said.

  “Kathy will always be my sister, and her getting married doesn't make those bigots from your church anymore tolerable,” I said.

  “I don't ever want to hear you say something like that again.” Mom slapped me causing me to stagger to stay on my feet.

  The biggest advantage I had now was that within a week of Kathy getting married I was leaving for basic training in the Air Force, then I wouldn't have to deal with moms constant preaching about just how good her precious church was.

  “You know Sam, provoking her that way doesn't solve anything,” Dad said.

  “How can you let that church rule so much of your life dad? Those people are dangerous with their holier than thou attitudes,” I said.

  “I take it that includes me. I didn't think I was holier than anyone,” Dad said.

  How could I explain so dad could possibly understand.

  “Dad I hate the church because if what it teaches is right I've been condemned for as long as I can remember. It says people like me are lost simply because we are,” I said.

  “You don't really believe that do you Sam?” Dad asked

  No, of course that explanation didn't work. How could it? It didn't describe anything about why I felt the way I did.

  “Dad have you ever felt like you were wrong, like everything about your life was out of kilter with what it was meant to be?” I asked

  “What do you meant Sam? If you mean do I ever have days when it seems nothing goes right, of course I do, everyone does,” Dad said.

  “I mean did you ever feel like you should have been a girl instead of a boy?” I asked hoping no one but dad heard.

  A spark of understanding finally showed in dads eyes as he took in my words. We both looked around and seeing mom standing as close as she was I wished I hadn't said anything, just taken dads rebuke and let it all wash away like it had so many times before.

  “You think you should be a girl? You think Sam should stand for Samantha? My fathers name is Samuel and you should be proud to share his name, instead you despise your heritage. Sometimes Sam I have trouble believing you could possibly have come from my womb,” Mom said.

  I wanted to say something, but I knew if I did dad wouldn't like it and I didn't want him to hate me just because mom did.

  I loved having the name Sam since it could be either a male or female name depending on which it stood for, and nothing anyone said, or did would change which I took it for. Samantha Geraldine Waters. It was a beautiful name and I was indeed proud to have it, even if that wasn't what it really was, at least for now. One day it would be my real name my dreams all said so, and my dreams seemed so real so often. The thing that held my dreams from being more real than the reality I lived in, was that Kathy and I were both very powerful witches, and magic didn't exist anymore than the god the family seemed to worship and hold in such high regard.

  “Why do you always have to fight against us Sam? Why can't you be more like Jeff?” Mom asked

  “I'm not Jeff and I don't follow anything blindly. You and dad use to always encourage us to question everything, but when I do you belittle me if I don't come to the same conclusion you do from the answers I get. I'm glad I only have another week until boot camp. Maybe then I'll be able to find someone who appreciates me just for me,” I said.

  “Oh yes I can see it now. Hello I'm private Samantha Waters. Yes, I'm sure that'll go over real well Sam,” Mom sad with so much derision in her words it was pure insult.

  That was it, from this point on I no longer cared about this woman. If it weren't for dad and Kathy, even Sarah I wouldn't stay any longer, I would have walked out and if needed slept in a cardboard box until time to leave for Texas and boot camp.

  “Sam, I'm sorry, but your mother does have a point. If you go telling everyone in the Air Force you feel like a girl they won't let you stay, and some of the people will probably try killing you,” Dad said hoping to ease the tension that was hanging so heavily.

  “Dad I was asking because in my dreams I'm always a girl. I don't remember ever having a dream where I was a boy,” I said.

  “I think that is something you should keep to yourself, at least until you're out of the military,” Dad said in a whisper so no one else would hear.

  Dad always knew how to keep me from doing something rash, like living in a cardboard box. If it wouldn't have been for him I would have runaway years ago, but I knew he loved and cared even though I always thought his punishments were ten times worse than moms.